Waller FM Episode 1/ Transcript

Hello There!

I'm Sandy Scawthorpe

I'm Daz Bird and welcome back to Waller FM on this, our annual hospital special

Now you join us live from Dr bloody Frankenstein's house of horrors. I am only joking bumberclots, it's Senfreckles Hospital in Eggborough. Now we come down here every year once a year as part of our give a hospital a chance day.

So now, as a treat the patients on the cardiology ward have all been given 3D glasses to enjoy what's coming up next: it's everyone's favourite radio game show! It's

Graham's Adventure Question Game

Another week, another game and it's games on with me, Grahams.

We'd just like to set Graham off on a virtual quest and a virtual quest always has a starting point, and always an ending point and today's starting point is Graham has lost his binoculars. But where's he put 'em?

So we're taking your calls, so call in on the normal number 07999975499973 all the 2's, wheres the 1, I can't find 5, it's 8.

Okay, we seem to have a caller on line 4 now. Graham's asked where's he put his binoculars but he's not asking specifically where he's put them, but why's he put them there? John.

Oh right, ayup. Where's he put 'em?

It's not where's he put them, but it's why's he put them there?

It's why's he put them there, why's he got his binoculars and why's he put them there, right.

And is it wise that he put them there?

Right are there any wires around the area, like a TV wire?

No, there's an A-Frame which has been made from some kind of plywood and that's all I can give you right now.

Is it? Right he's in his garage because he's been out on his car on the roof rack and he's been using binoculars, he's come back inside the garage, gone off the roof, he's popped the binoculars on top of the A-Frame, for later, I think.

That is correct, John. But, sure he's found his binoculars now he's in the garage, but the door's slowly closing, what's gonna happen, has he got his keys?

It seems like we've got another caller on the line, we have got Nigel and he's calling in from Cordon Beef!

Hello mate! Ayup how're you doing?

Hello Nigel how are You doing?

Oh I'm not bad mate just been on my way back from Chippy yeah

Alright so you've been out, had some chips that's great

Well I've not eaten them yet I'm gonna eat them when I get home with my misses.

If we can rush you on a little bit there, Nigel, basically I've been out on my car with my binoculars and

Yeah you do don't ya

Yes

Yesss

The next part of the puzzle we need to know from you.

Right, did you take the Yale lock off last night when you let the dog out? That's the question I'm posing to you Graham, is that the right question?

Let's just let everyone know we've got a switch around swap around the questee becomes a questor and the question becomes the answer. That's what happened, he's given the question it's all swapped round, did I take the Yale lock off? I can reveal, Nigel, that I didn't.

Ohhhh

Thankyou, Nigel. It's become quite a whodunnit now hasn't it? It's become quite a whodunnit because you haven't but why haven't you? That's the question. And if you have, then is it in the future or is it in the past, are you thinking about it or are you remembering it?

Try and think outside of the box but inside of the box

Within the other box, so there's two boxes

There's three boxes, and you're all three sort of changing shape

But the three boxes have been pushed so close together that you can actually stand on one of them with one foot on the other

And that's where we're at, so, we now know that the chain has been broken. We need new callers it's a new team it's team two.

WALLER FM

We give you all the hits, gimme some more. We give you traffic updates, gimme some more. We're running out of bulletins, waller some more. What's the bloody frequency? 93.4. Waller FM.

Hello, Flames

Hello is this Flames?

Yes it is

Hello it's Grandma Pattie.

[Laughter]

Hello

Hello

Hello, I'm wanting to order some food, please. Can you hear me?

I can hear you, go on

Sorry?

I can hear you

Erm, I was wondering if you do jacket potatoes?

[Laughter] No, we don't

Do you do, have you not got jacket potatoes?

No we don't do jacket potatoes

What do you do, then? I'm sorry, it's all new to me this takeaway thing

Is it? Do you want me to tell you what we do then?

If you've got five minutes if that's okay

Of course, we do pizzas, burgers, chips, kebabs, garlic bread, whatever you want

Do you do jacket potatoes?

No

Oh. Do you put fish on your pizzas?

If you want

What fish have you got? Have you got some place?

Prawns and tuna if you want

Have you got salmon?

No we haven't

Erm, do you do cups of tea?

Cups of tea? No

Erm is it okay if I call you back please?

Of course

Could I take your name please so I can speak to you?

My name is Ali

Okay Ali, thankyou very much, you've been very helpful

Thankyou

Okay buhbye, have a nice day

You too

Bye

Bye

You're listening to Waller FM's Hospital special and I'll tell you what, it's mental down here today folks.

It certainly is, Graham's Adventure Question Game has got all of these ill little buggers worked up.

But before we dash off for part two, let's have a quick listen in to what's going on down on ward twelve.

[Hospital Ambience]

And here's part two of Graham's Adventure Question Game

Who's the first member of team two?

No callers. There aren't any callers.

Think about the clues

No callers. Someone's gonna call in soon.

It's imperitive that you sort of understand what's happened, the Yale lock hasn't come off but why didn't I take it off last night?

Oh looks like we've got a call, It's Kenny. It's Kenny on line two.

Alright pal!

I just, just before we ask you the question, I'd like to announce now that you are our three-hundred and fiftieth caller this week which means you've one the CGI treasure

That's brilliant that is

You are connected to the internet, aren't you?

No, no, no we don't use that

Do you have a telephone answering machine?

Ooh, you've got one of those fax machines I've got.

Yes that'll do we'll fax

Got a son in China

You've got a son in China, yes that's brilliant, don't talk about him, we've got a fax to send you

Alright

And it's some CGI treasure that's computer generated treasure which you can cut out individually and I don't know, stick 'em on the wall, pop 'em in your son's bedroom for a nice surpise, but it's not, you can't spend it.

I said he's in China, Ah well, I mean you can send me it but I'm more calling in to give you me answer for your quiz.

Okay, so we're outside the box, we're dangling between the two, we might've pushed one of the boxes aside

You can touch it with both feet

No, it's not the question yet

Oh alright

Eh, first I, the Yale lock has been damaged, it's been damaged by a certain weather condition. What could you do about this problem realistically?

Right well, what it sounds like to me is corrosion from a long standing slow drip causing

We're going to have to hurry you now

It's corrosion you can stop it, WD-40.

It doesn't look like something WD-40's going to be able to fix because

Have I broke the chain already?

No, no you've not broke the chain

Right

But You've severly dented one of the loops of the chain and it looked like it could shear if there's more pressure put onto it.

Alright so I got a second chance, right. Well, if it's not WD-40, they're using something else, there's something outside, they've been in the kitchen with the Yale lock, it's vegetable oil. He's used it as a cheap substitute and his lock therefore will break, allowing him to get through.

That is correct, that is correct, thank you.

Stick that up your bloody pipe and smoke it.

Thank you.

Aight.

Where does that take you then, Graham?

You see the thing is now it's really hotting up because we know I can, I've been in the kitchen and I can get back into the kitchen so there I go, I'm through to the kitchen. But there's a note on the table

What does it say?

What makes, it makes me sort of sad but I don't know why

Now it's not exactly known what the letters contents are, but it's giving me an impression of some kind of wind

Why was I out in the gales supposedly with my binoculars on the roof of my car getting stuck in my garage and why am I in the kitchen surprisingly unsurprised in a sort of worried way about the letter on the table?

[RINGING]

We've got another caller - you're through to Graham's Packed Lunch

This is Steve

Hi Steve how are you doing and where are you from?

Oh, well I've been travelling around quite a lot, I'm from all over, really, but I'm in somerset at the moment but I certainly, gosh, wasn't born there. You talk of the mirror in the side room, did you walk past and you could see your reflection and you thought you looked quite hunky, and that was quite unusual because you're usually quite self-concious about your own physique, so is that a factor in this?

Well, let's take stock because you're right. We did say earlier is it in the past or is it in the future? And as the reflection as you quite rightly pointed out is of me and usually I am self concious in front of the mirror, who isn't? but I'm not at this point - I think I look quite hunky

Quite the ripped action hero

And I've realised that I can take a rubbing, there's a letter that's on the table and it turns out it's a map. Where is the map to? That's the next question for the next caller, well done, the chain's still going, there's a dint in it, don't dint it any more.

WALLER FM

Does this sound familiar to you?

Get out of bed!

Get a bloody job!

I like it better when Dad's around!

Don't waste your Saint George's day pandering to tradition. Get yourself down to Cusworth Abbey Activity Ranch! With activities such as roof thatching, hinge soldiering, hit a miss a run to, horse whispering and skinny dipping!

Learn the urban art of legal graffiti, with powder paints, and don't forget your jotters!

My name's Lee. I used to be down-and-out but now I'm up-and-over. As senior team leader at Knowlesley's Windows. Proud sponsers of this years activity ranch. We Knowlesleys Windows!

So there's be less of this

Mum I'm bored

Oh Mum he keeps on doing things!

And more of this

Yay!

But aren't you missing Daddy?

Who?

Let us remix your day this Saint George's day at Cusworth Abbey activity Ranch. It'll be Cusworth it!

Cuswe're worth it too!

Terms and conditions apply follow the signs at the airport [Incomprehensible] Just off the M1!

Radio is usually for grown-ups, but for this special hour you little toffee puddings and toffee puddettes will get to listen to silly old me - Milliglymifililibly Morgan!

And me - Ruskin Bear!

In Scattlebee Skeetbox Saturday Matinee Meet and Greet Bonanza!

Hey, Hey, It's Saturday Maturnay, Hey, Hey, It's Scattleby Skeetbox! It's fun times for all of you kiddlys whatever your name is wherever you're from!

Get ready to be suffocated with fun!

And our special featured school today is Romplestoke Primary School in High Tratherm!

Scattlebee Skeetbox Saturday Matinee Meet and Greet Bonanza, with me Milliglymifililibly Morgan!

I'd like to introduce you at home to the little chappies that we've got in the studio with me today. Hello, there, what's your name?

My name is Emma and I am from Bristol

Did your Mummy and Daddy let you out all on your own?

No, they didn't. They sent me here with Auntie Sandy, who's in town to get her glasses fixed.

That sounds like she'll be SEEING you a little bit later on then!

Yes... I think so.

Ahh. Ooh! Hello! Who are you!?

My name's Marcus.

Marcus Bencarcus, you've got sparkly eyes, haven't you?

Err, yes I have, thank you.

And what does your Daddy do?

Currently my Daddy's claiming benefits cause he hurt his arm at work and mainly watches wrestling and swears at the television.

What a lovely haircut you've got. Is that an undercut? Up and Down and Up and Down

What are you doing? You Can't touch me hair! I think I'm gonna be sick [Vomiting Sound] I've been sick Miss! Mum I've been sick I want to go home!

Good boy, get it all out while you're there

Matron, Matron, here at the double, we've got a little boy with sick on him!

Where is he? Right yeah, are you the boy that's got bloody sick on yer?

Yes Miss, err, it looks like egg mayonaise, Miss.

Yeah, you're right, Robert, it looks like egg mayonaise. Come on, let's whip them kegs off.

[Oooing]

Come on, lad, get these jeans on.

They're too big, Miss

Well it's all going off in here, today, isn't it? I think we've all had a bit too much sugar!

[Alarm Sound]

Hold everything! Hold everything! That siren means that it's time to ask our snotty parrot to bop that clock!

[Bell Sound]

Bop that clock!

So I walk down the street and I'm bopping that clock. The bop won't stop till it gets to the top. I move to the left and I bop to the right, come on, everybody yeah you're doing it right!

Can I bop that clock?

Can I bop that clock?

And now it's time for Bop That Clock with me, the Snotty Parrot!

Hello my name's Matthew

Hello Matthew, would you like to go and give that clock a big old clout?

I'm going to give it a calculated bop.

Bop That Clock!

Uhhh!

[Bell Sound]

Oh! It's got to One AM! But, can you tell me this, Matthew. What magical thing happens between One and Three AM?

Erm, I think this when the moon is considerably lower, thus allowing the condensation to drop and fall and form as dew on the grass, which we will enjoy in the morning.

That is correct! And you get to qualify for our fantastic game! Socks and Pants! Are you excited?

Well, yes I am in a way but I knew that was right because I have a reading age of Fifteen.

That's right, your mother told me earlier actually

Well mother was always- has always been proud of me, so I can't wait to win on at the next round

Well let's see about that, eh? And let's play Socks and Pants!

Left Left

Good Yes

Pick up, Pick up, Right

Down, Down, Collect, Left, Left, Left, Right

That's one of Grandad's put that down, you don't want that one!

Drop drop pick up!

You've missed one! Come on you've got five seconds to get it! Okay, get back tn the linen basket! Get back to the linen basket! He's won! This lad's won!

Hooray! I always knew I was going to win!

Ruskin, give him a choice of prizes.

Choose one of the following prizes: a dustbin full of lemonade, which you can have supersized for an additional thirty pounds, Victoria Wood's placenta from a child she had in ninteen ninety two - and that comes pickled in brine. Erm "cock clock" or a set of universal hinges that could be used on any door.

Oh gosh, ooh err, oh erm

I'm going to need to hurry you, now

Erm, oh the placenta, maybe? I did like dinnerladies. I liked Victoria Wood in that.

Five

God!

Four, three, two, one, too late, you get nothing

Ohh. Well I didn't want your stinking prizes anyway, Ruskin, they're rubbish. I can have anything I want. I can have Ferrari shoes if I want and Daddy said I can.

Okay kiddlies, and to wrap up this big merry train, it's now time for aikido hait!

What's aikido hait, Milliglymifililibly?

Why that's when I give one of the naughtyaughty girly boys a big kick in the back! Ruskin, whoes been the naughtiestaughtiest little girly boy today?

Well, I've been watching carefully, and little Natallie here has been a big fidget-pot!

Yes you have, haven't you, Natallie!

It's not my fault, I've got Parkinsons Disease, Milliglymifililibly.

Duh! Well that's no use on our show! Aikido Hait!

AAAAAAAH!

Goodbye!

Bye! See you next week!

See you!

Welcome back to Waller FM, you join us live in the children's ward

And we've got two very special guests with us now - little Jeremy and little Martin. Tell me, Jeremy, what - why are you in hospital?

I've eaten a whole load of Turtle Wax

Oh that doesn't sound right, that's what I put on me car that to shine it up, what- how did that make you feel?

It made me feel very shiny and clean inside

Well what a silly young man. Glad to say I've got someone a little bit more grown-up with me

My name is Martin Pulch.

Okay Martin Pulch what are you in hospital today for?

I'm in hospital because I've got a bent knee. I was in the park with my friend Mark Radford. I said I can jump further than you, Mark Radford, and I jumped all the way over a house. Then when I landed my knee was all bent.

Okay, so admittedly they're not proper illnesses, but the reason that we're here is because we're gonna give these little kids the opportunity to do their bit for the radio - to be famous for five minutes.

Okay, Jeremy. Can you tell us what's coming up next on Waller FM this is your chance.

Errm. Crafty Latties Show us your Tatties.

No, that's not right.

Go on then, Martin Pulch.

Transformers.

Ahh, Bloo-

I want Transformers to be on "Wallers FM"

Well, there was conviction there but

Am I a good lickle boy, Sandy? Have I been very good today?

You've not been bad, no... bit difficult but

Sandy Mummy says that if I've been a good boy today I can have a bounty from the machine

Right well you can piss off if you think you're getting free chocolate out of me, okay? It is not a charity it's a radio show. And you've not done your job properly, you're fired

Shut up you dick

Oh my god, never work with kids and their animals, I tell you that

They'll say owt, won't they? Okay, coming up next on Waller FM we've got two slightly more professional kids and they're gonna do a little advert for us

And what they've done is they've recorded them reviewing Bismore Cream Cleaner.

Hello! My name is Jerry Jackson and I've got my friend John with me and what is we are revewing things! What is the product what is we is reviewing?

Bismore's Cream Cleaner! Leave for twenty minutes and then it will be clean as a whistle

Oh no, John did you just say four-twenty? Ohh no!

Oh Jerry!

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit Jerry no!

That means John has to skin up a rollie now!

I have had too much of the cigarette and I feel ill

Oh no I am John's Mum! John what are you doing smoking cigarettes you're only nine years old!

Oh no Mum sorry it wasn't me it was I fell

I'm Jerry again I remember now! The gas hob was on cause we was cleaning the kitchen

Although we were cleaning the kitchen to a very high standard thanks to Bismores Cream Cleaner

That is correct, John, very good answer there and John's Mum can now go away, bye

Bye Mum!

Back to the product.

There is a big X and it says "Irritant" so do not run with it, I think that means. But Jerry, can you drink the cleaning fluid if - on a hot day and there was no fizzy pop in the house because Mum has left the cherry-ade out and the lid has gone off and a fly got in

Oh no! Oh look at my taps they're right grubby! And I've got nowt to clean them with but water and a towel

Oh no man who is not Jerry! Look at this new cream cleaners by Bismores!

Glass surfaces are a specialty with this cream cleaner, did you know that? FAQ

If the design was more funs like a dog in the corner who is running around with a mop I might buy this more than I do

Speaking of dogs, John, is your girlfriend still a right ugly bitch?

Oh Jerry! Sometimes you are so harsh but yet I know what you mean cause she is a right stinky dog

ahhh LOLOLOLO

Lolzords!

John's girlfriend is a right scoddy tramp!

And I think that she has probably had about four and a half digits right up her chuff!

John I've been thinking I'm going to replace you with little Tommy James from our school he always tells people off but he has got lots of good revewing powers

Yeah but the thing that you have forgotten, Jerry is that he has rickets, so he can't go over your stairs, he will have to use a stairlift and you can't afford one of them, Jerry

Bollocks, John I did not think of that.

And so, to summarise, it has the potential to be on of the big hitters in the ball park but at the moment it is waiting for it's opportunity from the subs bench. Are you  the guys to pick him?

We give it Four

Three

Four

Three and a half

Three and a half scourers out of a packet of twelve

That is a good review, John

Thank you very much, Jerry, and very good from you too.

I'm Travis Sinclaire. You're listening to Waller FM

Jadies and Lentlemen, Keks and Kippers, welcome and

Good morning world! We're here, we're live! We're ready!

So get your motors burning and switch on your fridge!

It's Collin and Craig's

Mystery Breakfast!

Yayyyy!

The nation's been talking, and they voted Collin and Craig the best, the best, the best of everything

Come on Come on get up get out of bed get yourself ready!

It's time for school, it's time for work, the government's been onto us and we've got to get you up!

Get your bloody P.E kit ready!

Mum I can't find me satchel!

Bollocks! Get going!

Now I've heard the best no need for the rest! It's Collin and Craig at breakfast

Coming up today's mystery breakfast on this top tip Tuesday!

At seven-seventeen we play a game of two halves in:

Catch that kipper, trap that trout!

Gather all you grow, roll the dice, pay the price! That's the way love goes!

At seven-twenty-four put on our detectives badges as we go undercover to find out if celebrities are hiding their size!

Last week we asked: "Do you listen to us reguarly?"

And here's what some of the girls at Poltyworld in Skegness had to say

We cockadoodle-do!

But first, what are you having for breakfast?

Rum on toast

Raspberry ripple ice cream from last night

Cheese on toast!

I'm just gonna be sick

Kelloggs to start with, bit of milk on slightly on the turn

Marmite!

But more importantly what are we having for breakfast?

Well let's ask Tristan Rodgers our resident Aussie Aussie chef!

Right guys, basically what I'm gonna make for you this morning is a traditional English brekkie with a bit of an Aussie twist, alright? Basically I got the eggs in there, the sausages in there, the bacon in there, I've put a bit of a crockie burger in there selium on the side for a second, crack a big kangie egg in there, crack a big grizzy egg in there, you've got in all in there, there's a lizzy in there! Mix it all up, crink it all up, dry it on a rock, you've got brekkie in five minutes so just hang tough!

Yes! It sounds fantastic and it smells great!

Beautiful!

Thankyou Tristan Rodgers, our resident chef!

Collin and Craig! The best on the radio

It looked like a pleasant neighbourhood until they discovered it's history.

Didn't you hear? The Caffity twins died thirteen years ago!

It has been exactly thirteen years, thirteen months, thirteen fortnights, thirteen days, thirteen hours, thirteen minutes point one three three reoccurring since the murders.

I've heard of a place that will freak you the fuck out!

It's also Friday the thirteenth!

Ancient history points to a secret Indian burial ground. The old Caffity place!

No, Brad, all kinds of crazy stuff happens at Halloween!

Ahhh! Steve! Don't do that!

[Laughter]

That's not funny!

Oh my God, change your tampon Tarmella!

Has anyone seen Chase?

He went out to the old oil shed!

They disturbed the undead. They didn't know it was time to die!

That blue filter is freaking me out, man!

Let's go inside to the green one

Look at these old polaroids! They're not even developed yet!

The house had feelings, but didn't have the heart to tell them it was time to die! The old smithson place! The house of mirrors! Fucked up televisions! History! Screams that fade to nothing! A game of truth-or-dare! A doll's head... with blood on! There's a character for everyone. Which one would you be?

I'd be the paranoid stoner guy

I'd be the geeky girl that noone realised was attractive until I took off my glasses

I'd be the guy that died first

I don't which one I'd be! [Laughter]

I'd be Chinese guy with all the gadgets!

Time to die!

From the director of the glistening, a bone rider and Jack Black's experminator!

Collin and Craig the archbishops of breakfast

What's that like?!

I bumped into my old friend DJ Eric Prince and I had to ask him - what does it feel like to headline the Ministry of Sound?

This got us to thinking - there are so many things in the world that we haven't experienced so we set out to find out!

What's that like?!

We asked the manager of Threshers in Armthorpe - what's it like to drink pink champagne?

It's cold, it's refreshing, it's quite bubbly and erm, the undertone tastes are very much like that of rose petals.

We asked Tracy Dickers a glamour model of Wheatley what's it like to have a limo on your wedding night?

There is nothing more glamourous than a bloody limo on your wedding night. Right we have limos every week and we're going down to bloody heaven and hell, but, on your wedding night it's something else.

What's it like to smoke crack?

We've got Dollar Dog TC Hawks from the streets of Manhattan in the studio to give us an insight.

[Inhaling]

What's it like? Dollar Dog what's it like, pal?

[Exhaling]

Ooh theres a lot of.. a lot of smoke.

[Groans]

Just to let you know

[Groans]

Viewers, listners, readers.. He's

[Groans]

He's just had a little bit of crack

You know right now, Collin

Yeah?

Two minutes ago I was tired. I didn't feel good at all... and now I feel like I have the strength of Superman. I feel like I could fly in the moon... Because all I'm just a speck on a hill I'm just a tiny bit of sand... A whole tub of like moisturiser cream. It's like there's a box around me and I'm pushing the box out. Sometimes I reach out to the sky and I can pull the blue aside. You Know... Fuckin' studio get outta my fuckin' face.

Thank you very much, Dollar Dog TC Hawks. He's just given us the positive on crack, now let's flip that coin on it's head and let's see what these guys have got to say

Kissing those rocks and you got no life

Can't pay your bills or feed your wife

Stop using and abusin' or you're heading for the grave

Clean up your act and get your head straight!

Don't watch that.

So we've heard from both sides there.

Final verdict?

If you're looking to try crack, maybe start with a gateway drug like Cannabis

See how you get on and then, maybe we can sort you out with a little bit of crack if you like it

That Dollar Dog TC Hawks he loves it, has it every day, swears by it.

What are you sayin' fool?

Uhh, nothing.

Don't be talkin' shit about Dollar Dogs TC Hawk you know what I'm sayin'?

Uhm... You forgot your crack pipe

I know I forgot my crack pipe I wasn't even outta here, I just went to take a piss

Would you like a T-Shirt? Packet of signed Bourbons?

I'll take what you giving me, bitch.

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